unwritten

Tumblr is a great place for reflection..

My decision to revisit tumblr today—after a long hiatus—was prompted by a ted talk that got me thinking. The talk, by an artist named Candy Chang, was on the topic of self-reflection (http://www.ted.com/talks/candy_chang_before_i_die_i_want_to.html). This passage from her talk really resonated with me:

Two of the most valuable things we have are time and our relationships with other people. In our age of increasing distractions, it’s more important than ever to find ways to maintain perspective and remember that life is brief and tender. Death is something that we’re often discouraged to talk about or even think about, but I’ve realized that preparing for death is one of the most empowering things you can do. Thinking about death clarifies your life.

The community art project that she started prompted people to respond to the statement “Before I die, I want to…” Death really is a fleeting thought to most of us, and it’s easy to forget how fragile our lives are. How invaluable each experience is. This talk made me think back on how short-sighted I had become of late; always thinking about myself, my job prospects, what opportunities would put my mind to ease by giving me financial stability..

I had three job interviews today and I’m excited to say that I may have stumbled upon something really great. It was quite serendipitous (almost like in a movie): five minutes before the job fair ended, I walked by a booth and decided that I wanted to talk to a company named Case Commons. I was only vaguely familiar with what they did, so I’m not sure what exactly drew me there. But once I got there and started talking to them, something immediately clicked. We talked about their project (they are a non-profit that is designing technological solutions to improve the foster care process for both foster families and social workers, along with other projects benefiting the social sector) as well as mine, sharing insights and passions. Despite the fact that everyone was cleaning up and leaving, we continued talking until we were about to be kicked out. The sincerity of my interest must have been evident, because he created an interview slot for me there and then.

As if it were even possible, our conversation at the interview today was even better and got me even more excited about their cause. So many design companies boast delivering benefits to users and improving people’s lives—which is not entirely false—but no one wants to tackle the complex and unsexy problems that can really benefit from the design process. This brief experience somehow made me realize how much I had lost perspective of things—I had begun looking for jobs with the sole intent of getting a job (ANY design job, for that matter) without really thinking about what motivated me as a designer and as a person. Our conversation made me take a step back and re-evaluate my priorities.

Reflecting back on Candy Chang’s project, I immediately thought of “before I die” statements for myself.

Before I die, I want to make a change—however small—in a space that really needs innovative change. 

Before I die, I want to see, experience, and understand the world better. I want to be challenged by the problems I see, torn by the suffering in the world, and renewed by the universality of the good in people—all in a real, tangible way. 

And lastly, I want to experience love for someone else that supersedes selfish love.

In a way, I think being here for the past eight months has brought me closer to some of these goals. I get so caught up in all my disappointments with the program that I often forget to acknowledge all of the personal growth I have experienced as a direct result of my being here. Perhaps this growth would have happened with or without the program—who knows. But I can’t deny the ways in which I have been affected—and changed—by the amazing relationships I have formed here. And for that, I am truly grateful. 

stream of consciousness

I wish we could stay like this forever, you say

                                                         and just like that

              the seemingly innocuous word sparks a train of thought in my mind

the elusive promise of forever…
 

I worry (you know it is in my nature to) whether this moment could really prolong any longer than it was meant to last—because every moment has an expiration date, you see.

Already I fear for its loss

                    because i know that it will pass and never come back

                                                                                    in quite the same way. 

But the magic of the moment brings me back,

          as the late morning rays peek shyly through the curtains,

                   shining down on us,

                            illuminating the soft whispers, the unfettered laughter

                                                                and the quiet poetry of the morning.

And in this moment, this very moment, nothing can shatter this dream…

nothing at all.

I wish I could just give wholeheartedly..

but I’m too afraid of what might happen if I lose all I have to give.